In High Heels and Lace

Where has the time gone

2010-10-06T01:21:00.002-04:00

i realized that five years ago, i started this blog. Sometimes i go back and read what i have posted and it amazes me how far away from my true desires life has taken me. Where i am today is not anywhere close to where i thought i would be, but alas, sometimes life does not go the way one wishes and we must adapt.

Yesterday i almost put on my cuffs...the black leather is so soft and i well remember how the lock clicks when one walks or crawls. Such is the stuff of loveliness. But i could only caress them and smell their wonderful leather smell before putting them back....and later on i dreamed of them.

It is those kinds of things that i think i miss the most. The little things. The big scenes are wonderful, dont get me wrong, but the little things...the perfect outfit, the cuffs...sitting on the slave mat, the commands, etc etc...those i miss.

But life has not granted me this right now and i must adapt.

i am sure, however, that one day He will find me.

Just between you and me

2010-08-16T20:02:00.001-04:00

i don't mean to be crass, but i am starving for some sexual action.

Just saying.

i miss it

2010-06-09T13:29:00.000-04:00

i cannot recall the last time i was able to be submissive for Someone. my life has changed so much and this part has again been put on the back shelf. i don't even know how i feel about this - it was such a relief to finally admit and realize that being a sub really was who i am...but to then have to put that part of me away for a bit has been discouraging, to say the least. i guess i should clarify a bit....that part of me will never truly be 'put away' - just i am unable to openly practice, scene, etc that part of me.However, i will never forget all i've learned and the great times i had being able to express this part of me and i long for a time when that can all be true again. i think it will be...just now is a time of desert and quiet and i WILL learn in all things to be content.

Life is precious, life is good

2009-08-23T15:52:00.001-04:00

There are some very real and exciting changes coming my way - i'm so.so.so excited.

More later

YAY!

Odd, isn't it?

2009-08-15T19:13:00.003-04:00

...that when you think something is going to go one way - life goes another. So i'm still computerless and i have to tell you something: i kind of enjoy it. It's making me quieter in many ways, it's making me examine what is good in my life and what really needs to be pruned out. It's helping me to verify who i am - the quietness of life...the extreme busyness of summer.

i'm in a good place, mentally and spiritually and almost physically. There is still no Captain of my 'ship' but that will come - i am sure - when it's supposed to .

Life is good. i am happy. i am still as submissive as i was years ago - probably more so because i was able to put my submissiveness into action and now i am not - makes you treasure it. i still wear skirts and heels and love being a girl...i've lightened my hair - i've toned my body a bit - i'm very tan...not from laying in the sun but work and swimming. i've invested in some younger girls' lives, i've spent gads of time with my family, i'm reading impossibly large books and loving it.

this girl...this submissive girl is quite ok.

Where does the time go?

2009-05-23T02:15:00.002-04:00

It's been forever since i've been able to blog with freedom or visit others blog - which i miss so much. Life isn't horrid at present....it's rather good. i'm not working as much and that, in itself, gives me more time to just enjoy life - to invest in others lives and to play..have fun...breathe a bit.

And no...no Master/Sir/Owner yet - but i haven't been looking so there is no complaining in that, now is there?

i'm rather happy for the simple things at present: a job, a house, food, clothing, good health, a car that runs, family, friends and loved ones. Not in any order..just a small list of things that i hold dear to me. i have lots of love and service to give and i do look forward to the day when i can kneel for Someone again, but in the meantime, i have to keep living and investing in my own life..to keep growing as a person - trying new things, meeting new people, losing this blasted weight, cutting my hair (or not!). Summer is such a wonderful time and the winter is a distant memory - good thing too because it was a hard one for me - i thought it would never end.

All this rambling to say, i'm still here. i'm still this girl. i'm still happy and healthy and when the time is right, i'll go looking fer a Man!

i'm alive and well

2009-05-09T18:25:00.002-04:00

Just without constant computer at hand. That should be changing soon...at least i hope.

Some things haven't changed - still no Master to lead and guide but i am, as always, hopeful that Someone will come along in the near future.

Are you kidding me with this?

2009-02-17T20:54:00.001-05:00

So apparently for the last oh..month or so, my libido..you know, my constant throbbing companion? yeah, well it's been AWOL and that is really, really odd.

nothing...nada...nope...not even a glimmer of lust, need, want or desire. Seeing the common Man doesn't make me wonder what they are like in bed, nor how their hands would feel on my skin.

i think it's broken.

i hope it comes back soon. It feels so odd to be 'off'

Sweet Surrender

2009-01-28T11:32:00.002-05:00

Some time ago, M:e posted on her blog a post on surrender and while i'm not going to steal her ideas or thoughts- it did make me pause for a bit to think about surrender.

i find that i love the struggle to surrender. It's kind of a funny thing - i KNOW i'm not going to 'win' and i know that surrendering to Him is truly what i long for, but i fight it. i struggle against it as if it were a rope surrounding my heart and soul. i hem and hawl about giving in...i fight it all in my mind and try to rationalize why not surrendering is best.

And then, finally, giving in...such sweet release, such intense pleasure of the mind,such a peace fills my heart.

i'm not sure why the struggle and why i hold on to the struggle for as long as i do, but i sure do know the flood of peace and serenity that comes when i surrender. surrender my will to His, my actions to His, my obedience to His rules and commands.

And this is something that for the next Man in my life, should there ever be one (one can hope!), will be even more intense for me.

i honestly can't wait.

So much to say, so little time

2009-01-19T17:35:00.002-05:00

i have about four posts that i'm working on: one about surrender, one about lingerie, one about Men in general and one that is just plain old need.

But as these winter days are so cold and the room where the computer is has no heat, i find that i'm willing to spend about 10 min tops on the computer! lol

So hopefully this week,as the temps rise into the 30's, i'll be able to slug out some posts and do some much needed blog reading and general knocking about!

Hey ho!

Life is crazy, life is good

2009-01-11T22:05:00.002-05:00

Well mostly good - i have nothing, at present, about which to complain. That in itself is fantastic, is it not?

In these days of non-use and not being owned, i'm finding more about myself than i realized. i have really stepped back from everything, almost becoming a loner - and that it was so easy to do is kinda creepy - finding out just who thisgirl is and what makes her tick. Oh, i've known for years who my true inner woman was and i'm really glad to say that i do like me, but in these months of being just..um..alone, i realize who i am more deeply.

i must confess that at times, the loneliness gets to be too much- i mean i really don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Today, i had a conversation with my family and i mentioned that should i ever marry (again), i would not wish to argue and have drama because i realize how intensely precious it is to be with someone who loves you and wants you. A family member kinda mocked me in this, saying that of course W/we would argue and i was silly to think otherwise. Ok, i'll agree, in part. What i was trying to get accross to them is that when you don't have something - it becomes infinitely more dear to you than those who do and while arguing and such is part of life, the manner or method of the argument, for me, would be completely different now than it was when i was younger.

And then in a completely different manner of subject. i need sex. i need hot, passionate, take me down and use me hard kind of sex. The kind that leaves me sore and all flushed and pink all over and panting hard.

And there is NO arguing about that!!

Again with the crazy libido

2008-12-31T01:04:00.002-05:00

So i'm at the point in whatever stage of life this is that with almost every Man i see, i wonder what He's like in bed. AND i wonder how His hands would feel on my skin. That is SO high school, isn't it? i mean honestly! i'm a grown woman who should be in control of her own sex drive a bit, not drooling at every Man she sees....well, almost every Man that is.

And do Y/you think that Someone could tell my delicate pink bits that in order to stay dry FOR ONCE everything must just cool off and relax and stop thinking about sex and being used and how it feels and the amazing feel of a Man deep within...

(yeah, that's helping :rolls eyes:)

Some time off

2008-12-29T12:53:00.002-05:00

Because my primary job has a decent benefit package and they are kind-hearted as well, i get a paid week between Christmas and New Year's. Around Sept of this year i was already looking forward to the time off and now that it's hear - i can say it's delicious! i still will work my secondary job but that will only be two nights this week. How lovely is that?

So i've determinded to get a few things accomplished around this house that have been let go - one of which is cleaning and oh!this place seems to me that it's in shambles (it's not really - it's just that i have very, very high standards when it comes to the cleaniness and tidyness of my home) i'm actually looking forward to the work -it's nice to give the brain a small break and allow the body to take over in comforting and very natural type chores.

i also have a lot of reading planned and am very excited about that and have tomorrow pegged as laundry and movie day, and once i'm home from the laundry i plan to stay put watching many movies and just being still.

And last, but certainly not least, i will be going over every command i know (kneeling, all fours, etc) and practicing them over and over - hoping to keep 'in shape'

This has certainly been the best Christmas Ever!

His pleasure and panties

2008-12-27T00:16:00.002-05:00

Mr. Egghead mentioned in a comment to a previous post that He hoped that were i serving Someone, His pleasure would be my consideration instead of my own - i believe i was lamenting about my raging libdio(which is still flying strong and..um..welll more on that another time::blush:;). To be honest, i truly agreed with the comment and find that when i'm with Someone, that IS my goal and my own pleasure really does come second or not at all - depends on the Person, mood etc. Don't get me wrong: sexual pleasure is amazing and were i on total restriction, i think i'd lose my mind; however, for whatever reason, HIS pleasure is so much more fulfilling and amazing to me. For instance, when i was married, i didn't orgasm with my ex at first...maybe the second or third time (in one um...'session') but it took quite a while for me to be able to orgasm with him(which, by the way, is the most powerful thing i've ever felt!). And sometimes, depending on our schedules or moods or ability - once was it....and i hadn't orgasmed at all. And honestly, and i mearn really and truly honestly, it didn't matter to me. The fact that he had, and was satisfied and was happy made me so fulfilled and happy. i kid you not. So though i have to care for things myself at present, when i am once again with Somone, i will be more than thrilled to see that His pleasure is reached before mine and is more important.

And the other thing is that i rarely wear panties. i was forbidden to do so with T and continue that practice to now, but sometimes i feel a little rebellious and think that i want to wear a matching set to look pretty (and it does look so pretty) and i love the way it feels and that lasts for about three days until i'm finally about to rip them off cause i can't stand feeling so restricted any more! LOL so much for matching sets! but all that to say that i know that those who don't understand nor practice this lifestyle don't understand or appreciate, for the most part, how being told i was not allowed to wear panties, because all of my holes needed to be available at any given time and working through that very awkward feeling at first is now so much a part of me. To tell me that i can't wear them, no matter what else i'm wearing and no matter the temperature outside and i really won't fight you...but force me to wear them...and you'll have a nice sweet slave for about three days until whiney girl comes along telling you have uncomfortable they are and can't i pllllleeasssssseeee take them offfffff????!!!!????

Isn't life interesting?

Life is Precious, Life is Sweet

2008-12-24T09:07:00.003-05:00

Incredibly, in the not so good way, this Christmas season has seen three people that meant something to me pass away. One was an Uncle, one was a former Pastor's wife and one was a slave. It's made me stop a bit and take stock of life and maybe how much more sweet i should view it -not that i'm ho-hum about the whole living bit but....

So in looking back this year, i've taken personal stock of all the people who have invested into my life - no matter how great or small and realized how blessed i truly am. Even in the darkest of times, not so long ago, there were those who loved and cared for me and that was a gift of great proportions.

This year, i want to invest in others lives just as much. i want to remember, no matter what, that life IS precious and sweet and that i am priviledged to have lived, thus far, a really fantastic life.

So

MERRY CHRISTMAS

to one and all.

Thank Y/you for being part of my life.

Enjoy the holidays!!!!

The less stress...

2008-12-05T17:46:00.003-05:00

...the higer my libido goes. Do you think anyone's has exploded from sexual need and tension?

i thought this thing was supposed to cool down as i got older, not get more..um...urgent. And believe me, it was never very low to begin with.

What's a girl to do???

Sometimes...it's just for me

2008-12-02T22:33:00.002-05:00

i was with some friends the other evening and bought five pieces of lingerie. These were not exspensive pieces but they were very pretty, three of them being baby doll with matching panties, one in pink, one in black and one in red. Very pretty, very sexy.

One of the girls asked me who i was buying the stuff for...and i replied for me.

She then proceeded to inform everyone that i must be holding out on them and must have a Man and that's why i was buying the lingerie.

Now truth be told, if indeed a Man was in my house/bed/life, i would indeed make sure that i had plenty of lingerie if He liked it, but truth also be told, i was buying those pieces purely for me.

because sometimes, when the quietness gets a little too much to bear, i enjoy a bubble bath, lotion from head to toe and slip on something lacey and sexy. It makes me feel very feminine and pretty. i typically end up kneeling at some point - in that lingerie, reminding me always that even though i am wearing all that lovley lace and satin to make me feel nice, ultimately i would love to have a Man rip that stuff right off of me! (mmm....can you say fantasy???)

but sometimes, it's nice to be nice to yourself, no matter your position in life and love.

Now please excuse me, i have a bath to take and some lace to slip on...which colour should i pick?

Roles

2008-11-29T12:28:00.003-05:00

i had a very interesting conversation with a recently married friend of mine about roles in relationships, especially in a marriage. i see, in her, a desire for the 'traditional' role of a wife but yet has to work outside of the home. Talking with me, who truly hates working outside of the home (but tries to make the best of it and be a good employee nonetheless) she is exploring some of her feelings on this topic. The whole stay home, cook, clean, garden, ect idea appeals to her a bit yet she feels it's very 'country' and 'backwards'. she does not yet see how free she'd be as a woman...yet she kinda feels this little tug to try it.

One thing i hear from women all the time is "what would i do all day?" and i think...are you kidding me? First of all you could get SO MUCH done and yet have tons of time to continue education or hobbies, or whatever else you've dreamed of doing. i read a number of blogs - some lifestyle and some vanilla and i notice i lean a bit towards those women who stay at home and i am learning so much from them, even though that is the ideal for me and at present, not the norm.

So it's been an interesting time chatting with her trying to help her as she and her Husband figure out their roles, figure out how they want their house and life to run. She definitely wants him to be the Man - to make the final decisions, to assume the leadership role...even as she knows that she, herself, is a good leader. It's kinda fun to witness this up close and personal and to be a help where i can.

It's in times like these where i'm kinda glad that i've already determined and lived out some of my submission - because i've already struggled and studied and thought about the kind of woman i am. Of course, this is an on-going thing and i have by no means 'arrived' - but this journey is a good one - and i'm still learning.

When things were so bleak not so long ago - i had a very intense conversation with God. One of those kinds where the weeping is uncontrollable and sometimes you can't say anything but know He knows the heart and what you're trying to say. In that conversation - i somehow managed to squeak out..."God, i want to journey well. i want to live my life all out. i don't want this depression or hardship all the time, though i know that also molds me and rubs off rough edges...but i want to journey well."

After admitting that - that my life wasn't being lived as i knew it could be-a sense of peace flooded my soul. It was as if admitting that freed me to begin to live well...to jouney well.

And so i continue to learn, to live and love. i recently told M:e that i want to continue learning, living and growing as a submissive woman so that when Someone who would claim me and allow me to claim Him would come along, He would find a willing woman who wasn't stagnant and bitter, but alive and blooming...

i have this confession to make

2008-11-28T00:01:00.002-05:00

Tonight as i was surrounded by family and friends, celebrating a wonderful Thanksgiving time, all of a sudden i got a craving for a Man to be shoving Himself in my mouth...and my mouth started to water thinking about how He might taste.

Happy Thanksgiving to me!

Sometimes...it's all about the lace

2008-11-23T08:03:00.001-05:00

and sometimes it's all about cuffs and ropes..or scarves.

i've not worn my cuffs in a very long time. For many reasons, putting them on reminded me of what i didn't have instead of who i am. And so i avoided them.

However, in recent days, i've started wearing them again during my kneeling time. The black leather surrounding my wrists and ankles, the small locks making noise as i move has become, as they should be, reminders of who i am.

In the stillness

2008-11-13T21:37:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when things in life have you down and you are really struggling, it's a good time to really stop as much as you can and be still. being still helps to center you, helps you to find time to really think about things and even pray.

i've spent a good deal of my last couple of months being still. Kneeling in the quiet of my house, head down, palms up - just thinking, praying and trying to come out of the depth of that UGH place i was in.

One thing i realized...no, more than one but one thing that stood out to me is that i'm pretty sure that i like myself. i'm not perfect and i have some rough edges that need to be worn away (one tends to get those when you live alone) but the real inside me - she's really an ok gal.

And ya know - when things are tough, when life is throwing more curve balls than you can catch - liking yourself is a really good thing...in my opinion. Now this is not a puffed up I'm better than you kinda like, it' s just realizing who i am - who the girl is who chooses to kneel, naked, quiet, still. And that girl is a genuine one - she is not going to play games but neither is she going tso be played with (well...she IS but you know what i mean! LOL). she is kind(mostly), she is compassionate, she has a fire inside of her that's yet to be released. she has wishes and dreams that are not yet met but has hope that maybe some of them will be someday. she has so much love to give and when someone comes along who will allow her to love Him, she will do so with abandon. she is learning to hold those she loves loosely in the palm of her hand, not gripping the life out of them. she is learning to let go when they want to leave. she is girly -sometimes a very little girl on the inside and sometimes longs for a "Daddy" to care for her, she is also a fierce soul who needs a heavy hand with a gentle heart. she is definitely submissive. she is a woman. she loves to dress and act like a woman and loves it when Men act like Men.

And when things are really bleak, she is learning to lean heavily on God- giving Him the reins in her life, giving Him the glory when things go right and being very thankful that even though she is alone so much of the time, God is always near.

Life is a funny thing. If you would've asked me when i was 18 if i'd be a single, childless woman close to 40 and not exactly doing what i think i was created to do, i would've laughed at you and told you no way. but as i mature, i am seeing that i still have those wide-eyed dreams-they've just changed a bit now. -

alive and well

2008-11-11T22:54:00.003-05:00

just having computer and internet problems.

Things are really looking up

Thank You so much for caring (Mr. Egghead and M:e especially).

i am desperate to be used and spanked but will have to wait....drat!

but things are really much, much better

i am thankful!

A glimmer of hope?

2008-10-24T23:10:00.002-04:00

Is it possible, ohh please let it be that a glimmer of hope lies in the near future.

One thing that i did was finally tell someone about my 'whatever you want to call it'. That helped.

Things are still rough and i'm still scared but there is a glimmer.

i have also learned through this very trying and bleak time exactly what my beliefs are concerning God. If all else fails and everything crumbles and the bottom drops out, i am truly confident in my relationship with Him. That, alone, gives me peace and strength to keep plugging away at this thing called LIFE.

i'm not yet at the celebration point, but when/if i get there- you can be sure there will be plenty of lace and some very sexy heels (and maybe even a good old fashioned over Your knee spanking!) :grin:

Staying Alive

2008-10-20T20:47:00.002-04:00

Still alive

i hate complaining - i hate it with a passion. i try to see good in everything - even very hard things

but this time, i just can't.

Things HAVE to get better...they just have to - and i will do everything i can to stay as positive as i can and hope that everything will work out and i can get back to victorious living clad in high heels and lace.

2008-10-05T22:26:00.002-04:00

update:

feeling a bit 'brighter' now- nothing great happened except for a nap and some good homemade food, but it did help.

i'm going to make the best of tomorrow - even in the midst of potential bad news - and going to try to stay positive and remembering my blessings.

i don't know that i'll make it - but i'm giong to try. i also think i'm going to wear something very pretty also - that will help.

Blank

2008-10-05T11:11:00.002-04:00

Oddly, i have nothing to say - nothing to share. i sat here for some time trying to think of what would be appropriate. i am in a low spot at present and have no one with whom i can share my fears and what's looming in my very near future, yet i don't want to spill it out here - cause i feel all i do is whine and complain, which i rather detest.

So, i'm blank.

i'm trying to think of something posititve...no i WLIL think of something positive...just give me a minute, please.
(long pause)

ok..i do have something. i recevied a decent performance appraisal from my full-time job the other day. my Boss didn't say anything shattering (either positive or negative) so i think all was well. He did thank me for what i do and how i do it..that's good, right? i was glad for it-i hate them with a passion and dread the meeting for weeks in advance. but it was really ok.

IF i were as i wished (homemaker) i believe the performance appraisal wouldn't just be ok but would be grand. It's where my heart is, it's what i know i was made to do and love and i hold on the hope that someday it might be a dream realized.

But for now, espeically in this 'blank' time, i will hold on to a nice appraisal and try to do my best where i am.

Have you noticed

2008-09-27T22:53:00.004-04:00

Has anyone noticed that there is a new line of lingerie called the Marilyn Monroe collection? And in the collection is a bralette? Amazing stuff...so very pretty. Paired with a very pretty pair of high heels? mmmm...delish.

(in other news: that woman in the picture has a fantastic body! )

Rightly said

2008-09-19T12:57:00.002-04:00

If women behave like ladies and dress like ladies then they will be treated like ladies.-Egghead

i couldn't agree more- and i'm seeing that in everyday situations. Most of the time i am in my own world when i'm out shopping or running errands and those around me are just part of the background. However, when i take the time to actually ACT like a lady- i notice my treatment is different.

i also agree with the two other commenters (thank you M:e and Sirtoher) as they both basically said that the way you were raised dictates the way you act-in many cases and that Men miss the 'old order' way of things as much as many women do.

i also think..well let me restate - i have also seen in other countries that younger Men/teenaged boys have better manners towards women than here in the States. i realize that is a blanket statement and one that might cause some debate but here me out....please.

Let's talk about...Vienna. There are notices that certain metro and bus seats are for the elderly, pregnant and mothers with young. i've seen boys ...a group of them..get up when a woman came on the metro and there was no place else to sit. she didn't fit into the aforementioned catagories.
Would that have happened in New York? Would the woman even expected it? hmm...not so sure.

i hold a very fine line in my mind between being able to 'do it myself'(been saying that since i was two yrs old...LOL) and allowing others to help...or even do it for me. The difference between me now and at two -besides cute perky breasts- is that i now ENJOY not doing it myself...maybe it's because i know i can..maybe it's because giving up the ability to Someone else is so very sweet or maybe it's because as i've matured, i've realized that the 'old order' of doing things - letting the Man be the Hero is really how things should be. i'm not sure i've expressed it best here but hopefully the essence of what i'm trying to say comes through.

But i like it!

2008-09-15T00:08:00.002-04:00

Emerging from the bookstore the other day, i had the all-too-rare privledge of having the door held open for me by a Man who allowed me to go first. i had deferred to His wife, since she was older than i and He 'deferred' to me. It felt so wonderful, as if the order of things, as they should be, was in place and proper. Where the protectiveness of a Man was behind me, even though He was not in any way connect to me.

Typcially i am happy when the man or Man in front of me will at least hold the door a bit, so that it doesn't slam in my face. i can deal with that. But it's not my preference.

Not long ago, i tried an experiment. i was in the city. As i made to leave the store, a Man was coming in. i paused, on purpose. He paused, seemingly confused. i waited and smiled. Not condesendingly but nicely, warmly.

He opened the door, i started towards it, so did He. Finally this look came over His face, He stepped aside and said 'Sorry Ma'am' as i walked through. i said thank you in a very soft and submissive voice. And i was rewarded with a geniune smile.

Little things like that are things i like. Treat me kindly in public, let me be a woman, a very feminine woman. my submissive soul responds very strongly Of course i can open doors on my own power. i also can change a tire on my car. But that doesn't mean i HAVE to always do it.

Capable? You bet.

But i really like being treated like a lady.

not as strong as i thought

2008-09-08T21:56:00.003-04:00

i broke.

The lacey pink bra was too much to resist.

i bought it.

i wore it recently

it was heaven.

While it's raining

2008-09-06T12:17:00.002-04:00

i have this devilish thought to be tied to a tree, the raindrops covering my skin mixing with the sweat to produce a slick, gleaming slave.

He raises the belt again, bringing it down over my buttocks, over and over.

No one is there to hear the screams
No one is there to witness His lust and desire
Just the two of them.

Playing in the rain

Getting back on track

2008-08-31T12:13:00.002-04:00

sometimes what one needs the most is a good Sunday sermon and some time spent reflecting on God's purpose..and His love.

That can heal and direct in ways that i cannot.

Ever have one of 'those days'

2008-08-28T22:02:00.002-04:00

i've been a bit low of late...
asking myself some hard questions
examing my life and finding that i'm coming up short

wondering morbid things
like
if i were to die - would anyone have anything good to say about me or would there be uncomfortable silence as people desperately try to say something...

not that i want to die
but i want my life to count for something. i want to have finished well, no matter how long or short of a life that God allows. i have never thought that mankind was placed on earth just to exist..there is a purpose. i know that part of my purpose is to be the best submissive woman i know how to be..and then even more. But there is more that's expected of me, and i know it- i just haven't found what 'it' is yet.

Round

2008-08-26T22:33:00.001-04:00

Apparently, when i'm not wearing a gra but i am wearing a tight T-shirt, my breasts appear perfectly round and very perky.

who knew?

[grin]

Naughty girl

2008-08-25T18:56:00.002-04:00

There are many times, of late, that i cannot seem to keep my fingers away from my clitoris. It begs to be touched and pinched, rolling it around until i can't stand the sensations without climaxing.

i really ought to be put over Someone's knees and thoroughly spanked for being such a randy little tart.

i mean honestly!

At my age...? Still fondling my girl parts? Still finding the instant wetness a turn on? Shouldn't i grow up abit and be more respectable instead of being this slutty girl?

Such a naughty, naughty girl!

So very pretty

2008-08-09T23:16:00.002-04:00

i think one of these needs to be in my future.....

Corset

2008-08-08T22:34:00.002-04:00

Not too long ago, Mr. Egghead suggested that i wear my highest heels and tightest corsett to remind me of what i am. i am here to report that the advice/suggestion given worked wonders on my physche to the point where i slept on the floor one night in my cuffs and chain. i've never been too opposed to sleeping on the floor buthaven't done it in a very long time. But i needed it - a reminder again, that the bed is a privledge. i've been wearing my higher heels and also my finest bras and corsets.

i cannot stress enough how much i love being a girl - but even more so when restrained a bit.

Do i have a problem?

2008-08-08T06:41:00.002-04:00

So last night at my job - i realized that a new pair of shoes were really calling my name - they are kinda 1940's style BUT with a 4 1/2' spike heel. sexy but not trashy. i asked one of the girls in the shoe dept why no one told me that those shoes were there. One girl rightly said it was because i had told them i wasn't allowed in the shoe dept for a while.

i said, "Oh right..that."

Then i was kinda goofing around and said that i couldn't believe it when i saw them, they are just too cute and that seeing them was getting me all hot and i was breathing heavy and everything (TOTALLY exaggerating to make them laugh.) and i'm going on and on and they are all in stitches when i notice a young male watching the whole thing....and he had the biggest grin on his face.. He was shaking his head as if i was crazy! (HA! imagine that??) and i sighed a princess sigh and said..."Men! they just don't understand...."

He laughed more and said, "Damn straight, sister...y'all confuse me!"

Oh the joys of being a woman!

::grin::

ps...i didn't buy the shoes but i did have the girls hold them for me...we'll see if my will is stronger than my love of shoes...

her words.

2008-08-04T06:13:00.003-04:00

It's early - i've been awake for hours -not in a panic because i cannot sleep but rather enjoying the morning. Just returned from an intense work-out at the gym where i am desperately trying to get this body toned and lose unwanted pounds. i like working out - placing my body in submission of my mind. There have been days when i've felt like it wasn't worth it but then something someone said to me comes back and i keep pressing on.

A while back i posted about a Master and His slave with whom i was doing some training. On O/our second meeting, which left me - to this day - completely in awe, the slave said something to me that was amazing. Of course i was naked..as was she. If one were to compare our bodies, hers would be the more appealing and fit. i felt that keenly -that is until He tied me in rope, then i kinda lost where i was! However,she said to me..."you have a great body"

me? Did she say that to me? i mean compared tohers...wow..not even but she said it and she wasn't laughing hysterically...

And there are days when thoughts of the gym are the LAST thing on my mind or i feel that the work i'm doing isn't paying off(though it is! You should feel my stomach muscles now!) but her words, said during the session STILL reverberates in my mind and heart. i will always be grateful for her...for those words and i hope to truly live up to that sentence that she spoke.

It's gonna hurt

2008-08-03T09:30:00.002-04:00

Remember the restriction post - the one where i say that i've stopped all buying of lingerie, shoes and purses? Well, it's really for a good reason - i have to save any/all extra money for a while. i'm excited about the reason for the restriction, but not at all happy about not being able to buy pretty things.

Yesterday, at my second job - i causally mentioned this to a customer-she also is on her own restriction from buying purses - she looked up at a me and said, "Honey! It's gonna hurt. I'm not sure if you'll be able to do it, but if you-it's gonna just hurt!"

And that made me laugh a bit. Women are such funny creatures, aren't we? In all of life's struggles and giving birth and getting flogged and whipped and relationship problems or even joys and just life itself and what makes us flinch and cringe and cry?

Not being able to buy pretty.

(currently wearing very lacey pink bra, short pink dress and pretty heels.)

wow

2008-07-30T23:21:00.002-04:00

He wants me
He actually wants me

oh wow -i'm so ,...just happy

Do Y/you realize how amazing it is to be wanted?
Not cast aside
Not someone else preferred over you

but wanted

i'm just ...so...well...Wow!

Restriction

2008-07-28T21:52:00.002-04:00

i am rather fond of bondage, of being restricted and tied- no where to go -absolutely needing to let go and trust. It's a marvelous feeling and one i wish i could experience more often.

Being restricted makes me feel free, gives my heart and soul wings to fly, to embrace His leadership, His direction and desire.

Putting oneself on "purse and lingerie and Shoe buying" restriction doesn't have the same feeling.

Not at all.

But it's necessary...and to be honest, it kinda hurts ....just a little

::exaggerated "princess"sigh::

Skirts, skin and other female parts

2008-07-27T13:15:00.002-04:00

Lest it be thought that i've turned masculine and thrown my femininity to the wind, let me state very clearly that i fully am female, love being so and dress the part. The day i confessed to wearing shorts was a day where i had gone and done a work-out and came home to some heavy duty cleaning- literally up on the roof. However, i erred in not changing as soon as i came inside where my pink bits wouldn't been seen by those not on the roof and did indeed change after i wrote the post.

i love being female. i love that my body has curves and soft places. i love how skirts feel against my bottom and thighs and i think it's well known how much i love lingerie and heels. i love that my heart and mind are submissive and that i enjoy Male leadership and direction.

So all that to say, that my female pink bits and i are going to endulge in a cool lavendar bath and then put on something lacey and pretty and enjoy my evening.

Who? me?

2008-07-26T08:36:00.002-04:00

i've been asked out on a date by a guy i know. Thus far the 'relationship' is purely vanilla and not at all sexual (fine with me...well....oh, nevermind).

i've not said yes or no yet because i don't want to lead someone on, should he really be interested, when my desires and needs are so NOT purely vanilla. But it sure would be nice to be with a man for a couple of hours. One date wouldn't be wrong, would it?

Fighting to stay 'this girl'

2008-07-21T13:39:00.002-04:00

Mr. Egghead had a great idea and one that i think i will make sure i do.

It's not the same as having Someone command and direct,One to whom i can rely to make me serve Him...but it does remind me of my place, my preferred way of living, of being 'this girl' who still longs to kneel at the feet of Him who would Own me.

i've grown a little lax in keeping up my feminintiy - but only slightly. For examply, at present, i am in shorts and a t-shirt, my hair is back in a pony tail and i'm cleaning. But i could very well be in an older skirt instead of these shorts. That little thing might not seem like much, but the skirt, the bareness of my skin against it's fabric as i move to clean, can remind me that 1)i'm not wearing panties...sluts don't need them, 2)that i am indeed a girl..a submissive girl who's skirt could be easily lifted so that He (whoever He could/might be) could use me at a moment's notice.

Thank You Mr. Egghead for helping me ...for reminding me to stay focused..to fight for the girl i know i am and not let her fade away.

Now, please excuse me,i have a skirt to put on...

Still here...

2008-07-15T21:52:00.002-04:00

i'm still alive and kicking and ok..mostly.

i need a session so badly-i can't even describe the need- so deep within

but i try to just forget that i need...and just focus on...well..i guess on work.

i haven't persued the professional Disciplinarian -i just don't feel confident enough to have a go at it alone-without Anyone checking that i'm ok or that the session was ok,etc.

i bought some new heels and some new lingerie - nothing too extravagent, but some nice things and somehow that helps me remember the girl that's 'put away' right now..the submissive one, the slut, the slave...the girl who would crawl, eyes down and ask You to please spank/whip/use, etc...or the girl who would ride the pony for You and who would serve You in so many, many ways. i know she's still there somehwere but..

i miss 'her'

Hiring Out

2008-06-22T10:16:00.003-04:00

It's been over a year since i have been spanked, tied up, floggeed, clipped and generally 'put in my place.'

While it seems almost impossible to me that it's been that long, i daresay that i pity the poor Man who has to do the above. i am still a submissive woman, but one in dire need of a proper spanking to remind me that i am not in charge. Self-flogging and such is a nice distraction every once in a while, but it doesn't have the same result as having to submit during the flogging/spanking etc.

i know there are professional 'spankers'...though i think they are referred to as Disciplinarians and i've considered hiring one for a session. Has A/anyone done such a thing and if so, would A/anyone recommend a good one or have any tips?

Should i place an ad?

Wanted: A Strong Man with an ability to put a sometimes snarky little slut in her place. Spankings required.

or

Naughty sub in need of severe discipline. Corner time appreciated.

or

Will work for spankings

Update

2008-06-19T17:53:00.001-04:00

1. The man in question (from the previous post) is most definitely NOT a Dom
2. Nor a man i wish to get to know too well
3. Oh well....
4. Maybe soon, right?

In other news- freshly back from vacation, i feel like a new person.

And bought some new shoes and stockings while away

they are devine- can't wait to wear them.

Is he or isn't he?

2008-06-03T18:15:00.002-04:00

Met a man (maybe Man..not sure) just recently. He likes a lot of things about me, the way i dress, the way i love lace and heels and stockings and girlie things. the way i make fun of his favourite American football team...

He likes a strong woman, i told him i prefered a Man-led relationship. He had no problems with that.i AM a strong woman, but i don't want or need to be in charge, even in vanilla relationships.

i wonder if anything will come from it
i wonder if he's a Dom
or...?

just wondering.maybe see how things go...maybe not - no pressure- just exploring ...

Sexy?

2008-06-02T18:10:00.002-04:00

The more my body changes, the better i feel.
This getting older and wiser isn't so bad
i just wish i would've taken care of myself a little better a little earlier.

But i am enjoying the process, the hard work and self-discipline
i find that the resolve to 'take one more, slave/slut/sub' works very well with myself when on some sadistic piece of gym equipment! :grin:

Not sexy yet -but well on my way to being there.

she dreamed

2008-05-28T16:55:00.003-04:00

she was lying on her stomach, legs stretched wide. her long dark hair was pulled away from her neck leaving it bare and He knew that it was one of her sweet spots. her right hand, at His command was touching her bare and smooth cunt, not yet parting the lips, just barely touching. He was behind her - over her - surrounding her. He then took His large hand and began to caress her buttocks, tracing the welts He had laid there just a few minutes before.

As His fingers drew closer to her own hand, she involuntarily began to arch her back, pushing her buttocks closer to Him.

"Look at the slut" He said in a low voice. "See how she arches her back like abitch in heat, see how she can only think about HIm touching her cunt, HIS cunt."

she moaned, low and without thinking.

When His hand pushed hers aside and entered her, she pushed back further.

"Such a slut" He murmured.

With two fingers inside and His thumb on her clitoris, He began to move them together in a pincherlike movement.

she responded immediately, moaning and gasping.

"Ohhh look at the whore" He said, getting more excited as if He were showing this creature to an audience "See how she writhes. See how she can only think about the fingers inside ofher, caring not for the animal noises she makes. she's such a slut, a whore,.."

she heard His words and they only inflamed her further. He was right - all she could think about was His hand and how her body screamed for release, sweet waves of pleasure, please,oh please Sir let it happen,oh please...

On and on He taunted her, never quite letting her crash over to full pleasure,always teasing, keeping her well aroused.

Finally

Finally He commanded

"CUM NOW!"

and OH! the sweet, sweet pleasure that shook her entire body, making her scream and gasp and yell and moan all in one breath....

He then positioned HImself and slammed into her, sending her further over the edge of sheer lust and desire.....

and then, this girl woke....body still pulsing from an orgasm. Mind still in the scene that she dreamed but slowly realizing that she was alone and there was no "HIM" that had taken her for His pleasure.

she doesn't mind those types of dreams.

she is, after all, just a slut.

**small disclaimer: it was no one specific "Him"in my dream....just a Male presence with large hands and a low voice and a very hard ...um...well...:grin: **

A year

2008-05-23T22:01:00.002-04:00

It's been a full year since i took Him to the airport
and if S/somone would've told me that a year from then
i'd not even hear from Him, i would've said Y/you were just being mean
but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we think it will
and we just have to be happy for what was
and even dream of what could be.

i even almost think i'm ready for Someone to once again take the
reigns and lead this girl.

wow..that's a scary statement to make -makes me almost feel
as though i'm being unloyal.

Perhaps it's time to finally 'let go'

:sigh;
i'm so bad at this...

Dressed in lace

2008-05-16T10:06:00.002-04:00

i've been terribly lax in taking care of me lately. the other day i spent $20 on some movies and felt guilty and then was mad that i felt that way. i work hard. every day. and i don't let the girl in me 'out' nearly enough

so today i'm doing the whole girlie day - manicure, pedicure, bubble bath, wine, bread, cheese, and lace. Lots and lots of delicate lace in pretty patterns and colors and barely there designs.

i think it's going to be a good day!

The thing is...

2008-05-13T21:45:00.004-04:00

...to hold on to anger hurts me more than A/anyone and i know this first hand. i am not one to hold grudges long and usually work very hard to hold no hard feelings. and i am going to do that now as well.

because He still means something to me
even if just as a friend
because no mater what
i loved Him
love Him still - in a different way
and will not bash
nor stay angry
just have to work through it.

So i will.

Not so pretty

2008-05-11T18:19:00.002-04:00

You see, i'm angry with him..Him rather. i feel that He wasn't honest and that He betrayed me. i feel as though He used me and then walked away when He was done without even a Fare Thee Well.

i'm angry and i don't know how to work through it. i don't know how to unleash it all yet not wound Him or anyone else.

The inside of me isn't so pretty right now.

:sigh;

leather

2008-05-07T23:16:00.003-04:00

i long to feel the leather lashes of the flogger against my skin, maybe soft and teasing, maybe in a gentle rythmic way - almost like a massage, maybe in a harsh striking - welting my creamy white skin with lovely red marks.

ahhh leather and dreams - sometimes they go hand and hand, don't they?

Eating, drinking and shagging

2008-04-30T21:26:00.001-04:00

ok..not so much on that third one (though i desperatley need it!!) but i just enjoy saying that word from time to time...shagging!

:grin:

Wanna know a secret?

2008-04-28T18:14:00.002-04:00

i don't like nipple torture, nor breast torture.

i have endured it, applied it, asked for it, but it wasn't at all for my own pleasure, rather for the One(s) who commanded and enjoyed it.

What i like best...is thumbs lightly going over the nipples..not directly on them but maybe with a very thin bra or shirt between the thumbs and my nipples. It drives me nuts..literally making me beg...

i never knew i liked it until once, in my late 20's, a guy i was dating and i were saying 'goodnight'..kissing, and the like. He had me pinned against the wall, one of his legs firmly between mine..pressing and then he cupped my breasts and just ran his thumbs over the nipples. i almost orgasmed on the spot. Instant pleasure. whew..just the memory of it...

But i do clip my nipples or have them tortured when it pleases Others (though that hasn't happened in a very long time...i almost think i miss it!!!)

so that's my secret for today

Better

2008-04-25T21:45:00.001-04:00

After two good night's of sleep and realizing that my clothes are more loose then ever and getting a comment from a Male about the curve of my bottom...

i'm feeling better - things aren't as bleak tonight and in fact, it was a really, really good day.

M:e - You were right and i took your words to heart. Thank You - again and again

hugs and cuddles to all

Not sure of me...

2008-04-23T20:58:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you take a deep hard look at your life and not really like what you see? i had one of those today. i feel like a total failure in everything, though i carry a small hope i am not.

There was a time when i felt sure of myself - not in a cocky, proud way but more in a self-assured way - knew what i could accomplish and knew my strengths and abilities. but lately and today the darkest of those 'latelies' i wonder what my purpose is.

i know i need sleep. i know i need a day off. And perhaps then, i'll be able to see worth in me
but tonight, i'm just not sure.

Something different

2008-04-19T12:47:00.004-04:00

She lay face down on the mattress, her breasts pressed flat, clit still throbbing from his persistence. She was sobbing softly, her tears being sucked up immediately by the flannel sheets. She could feel the liquid slide between her legs, the juice from her neglected cunt mingling with his cum and probably a little blood, as it oozed out of her ass to wet and stain the sheets. She had been ass fucked before but never like that, never by a man who seemed to love her and hate her at the same time.

“Did that hurt?” he asked. “Did I hurt you?” His voice betrayed no emotion, as if asking her if she would like another cup of coffee.

“Yes,” she whispered. She kept his voice soft, not wanting to let him know that her mind and body were a riot of emotions. She didn't know if she should run screaming from the room and his life or fall to her knees in worship. “It hurt, but I'm okay. It feels better now.”

“I don't care that you feel better, only that I hurt you. I wanted to hurt you.”

That startled her a bit. No man had ever told her that his intent was to hurt her. A few men had, and several more had tried, but no one ever told her quite that bluntly. It startled her but it didn't surprise her.

Neither of them said anything for several minutes. He began sliding his fingertips up her thighs and finally into the wetness between her legs. She winced as he slipped what felt like three fingers in her ass. It hurt, but it also felt amazingly good. Her cunt, which had stopped running, began to feel wet and hot again.

Finally he spoke. “I'm going to hurt you, and not just physically.”

“I know,” she replied. “I don't care.”

“You should care,” he said angrily. “Jesus, you women all say you want Prince Charming when what you really want is rape.”

His words bit into her flesh like a knife. The sad and frightening and exciting thing was that he was right. She wanted to be courted and wooed by Prince Charming, but she also wanted to be punished and enslaved by someone who would love her and rape her at the same time.

“You know that I'm involved with someone else,” he said.

“Yes, I know. I don't care about that either.”

“I won't leave her. We will probably get married some day, but until we do I won't be faithful to her. She know that, she knows about you, just as I know about the man she's with right now.”

Now she really was surprised. She had no idea.

“I will see you three, sometimes four nights a week, once in a while on weekends. When we see one another you will be my slut, my whore. I will hurt you. I will use all holes interchangeably. I will demand everything and you will deny nothing.”

Her heart was racing and her skin felt hot and cold with perspiration. If he had asked just then she would have gladly given him permission to cut her into tiny pieces.

“You can say 'yes' or 'no'. If you say 'no' I will leave and you will never see me again. If you say 'yes' then I will never again ask permission. For anything.”

He paused. 'What will it be?”

She rolled over to face him. She looked at his face, his not-quite-handsome face. She gazed the length of his body, the body that now owned her body. She saw that his cock was still hard and encrusted with the residue of their fucking.

“Will you love me?” she asked.

“Of course I will love you,” he said. “Regardless of what else happens, you should never doubt that. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.”

She got to her knees, feeling herself finish draining, wanting to be refilled.

“Yes,” she whispered and bent over him, engulfed his cock with her mouth.
“Yes. Yes. Yes.”
***********************************************************

i did not write that - nor have i experienced it, but it was sent to me. my initial reaction when reading the first part was that it was just HOT and i was rather um..aroused. Tears soon came at the tender parts and i cried a bit, not in sorrow but because it seemed as if the Writer knew that i would need tenderness in the midst of pain. i can't even now - and i received this at least a week ago- express fully what the story meant to me, nor how it struck something deep within.

And oddly, there's more i'd like to say but i can't find the words.

What i can say is Thank You.

boy

2008-04-12T14:33:00.002-04:00

he's a man, actually. NOT a MAN but a man...of age. We've met a few times. i am learning so everything is going very slowly - not rushing anything. Nothing sexual - at least on my part-on the other hand i quite enjoy 'making' him stroke himself to orgasm. it is a steep learning curve for me ..quite so everything is slow at present and i am comfortable with that.

i find, though, when i am floggin him, that i wish i were at the other side of the flogger.

it's an odd place to be - not scary, just odd.

life

2008-04-11T23:12:00.001-04:00

Sometimes life isn't so bad -sometimes all it takes is at least one Person who says a kind word, or shows some interest and wow! the day just got brighter.

And sometimes it's just being able to Domme a little bit and seeing how the 'other side' lives.

::naughty grin::

More later...

To Grey Goose

2008-03-27T21:43:00.000-04:00

GOOD!

Very, very good!

begging for more....please

More than i imagined

2008-03-24T10:26:00.002-04:00

The comment left on my last post has rendered me speechless and rather um...

(Well, if anyone has spent any amount of time reading this blog, one would know how my body reacts to such things.)

Let's get naked

2008-03-21T22:16:00.001-04:00

Common..just Y/you and me. Naked.

Wouldn't we have fun?

A bit weepy

2008-03-16T21:06:00.002-04:00

So this time last year (not the exact date but the time) i was with Sir. He was here. W/we were together - sharing my crazy vanilla life and finding time for U/us.

Today was a hard day for many reasons - not crippling just hard and i sorely wish i could curl up in His embrace.

Makes a girl a bit teary to see all she's lost - but also a bit glad for all she had.
i don't live on memories, but i think tonight i'll allow them to help me feel better.

It's all about choices, isn't it?

2008-03-14T05:48:00.002-04:00

~When Sir was here, a few times He told me to stand up and lift my skirt so He could see my bottom or cunt, depending on His want at the time.
~When i was with the Master and His slave, He told me to stand so He could strip me.
~When i was with Others, i've been told to do this or that -given chore lists and told to stand a certain way or crawl or sleep with my chain around my neck or..or..

The list is endless of things i've been told to do. Some i understood, some i did not. But what it all came down to was a simple set of choices.

Either i would obey
or
i would not.

In my vanilla life, there are too many choices i have to make. Too many decisions and things that i am in charge of. It's not that i'm not capable of making choices it's simply that sometimes i would like to choose either obey or not.

There are things such as this, that i really love about this lifestyle. Giving me those two choices does not dumb me down, nor make me less of a woman - rather, it sets me free to be the submissive woman i am.

i wonder why

2008-03-12T09:21:00.002-04:00

Can Men tell when a woman is in a contant state of sexual arousal? i'm not joking when i said that ever since making myself smooth, i am like a fountain. This poses some problem as one is constantlyrunning to the bathroom to dry. :blush:

But since being in this state - well i've been asked out four times by four different Men.

Four.

To go from zero to four is rather mind boggling. i wonder what the attraction is...

Anwyway, i only said yes to one at present because i promised to go out with Him (i don't think he's a Him...i think he's a he...but...)some time ago.

Anyway - it's a wonder.

The thing is..

2008-03-11T22:28:00.002-04:00

that i'm finding that i'm relatively happy these days.

How awesome is that?

Houston, we have a problem

2008-03-09T19:05:00.002-04:00

and the problem is this:

um...well, see, i was shaving my pink bits yesterday and made myself all smooth and um..well, because it's all smooth, the way either trousers or hose or the way my skirt even caresses the skin is very, very sensual.

And um..because i am who i am (a slut, mostly), it makes those pink bits very very wet, slick and hot. Throbbing even.

And it won't stop.

:blush:

In the quiet of the rain

2008-03-07T16:59:00.003-05:00

i've just realized that i am ready to fall in love again
to follow the Hand that would lead me
to kneel at the Feet that would direct me
to serve the One who would push me
further and further into His service.

i am ready.

In the quietness that comes on a rainy day, i have found that my hurts have healed. i am eager.

i am ready.

is He?

ohhh how lovely

2008-03-02T20:20:00.003-05:00

It's 8.20 pm (EST). i've just finished a delicious and healthy meal with some local red wine. The candles are still lit, the house is at rest, music playing softly and i am at peace. i had some unexpected turmoil this weekend but it's all been resolved, thankfully.

i ate by candlelit only, sitting at my formal dining room table and used my best china and a delicate linen napkin. Had i thought it completely through, i would've dressed in evening wear and really felt special - as it was i am in comfy, warm clothes and that too was ok. i used my best manners, as if a Master/Sir were with me, expecting the best - i like to keep sharp in those things. Never should a slut or slave start slacking off just because she doesn't have specific orders. Nor shall i.

It's been a lovely weekend, in spite of the stress and this evening was delightful.

Another glass of wine, curling up on the sofa and reading is what's next.

It's lovely being pampered and glad i gave myself permission to do so..M:e i do whole heartiily agree with You - i WILL be a better and more useful girl if i take a bit of time for me. Thank You for those words...i think i needed them an awful lot.

Pamper me

2008-03-01T14:52:00.002-05:00

i don't often get or take time to pamper me. i do try to slip into a bubble bath or make sure that my body lotion is applied everyday or something like that, but rarely do i have an entire day just for me.

i have such a day like that tomorrow. i can hardly wait. i have some movies, books, magazines. i have a foot spa kit and facial and will color my hair. i intend to also vacuum and do laundry, but will do so in silk pajamas or my black slinky nighty (depending on how warm my old, drafty house can get! lol) i have a bottle of wine and will cook a steak and potatoes and a very nice spinach salad. i might even have a decadent chocolate dessert.

Life is rarely 'all about me' and that's fine, totally fine. But i think one day every couple of months is a good thing, right?

So tomorrow -the 2nd day of March is pamper this girl day. Cue the music and let's dance.

*********
side note:
did you know that if one stuffs her cunt with a lovely vibrator(turned on high) and then presses a lovely vibrating Hitachi (turned on high) that one will orgasm very, very intensely in about 30 seconds or less?

Who knew????

oh yeah, like that helped

2008-02-28T22:11:00.001-05:00

M:e! Now i have images of a very 'able' 18 yr old boy...!!!!

oh the things that could be done!

Does this libio ever die?

2008-02-27T22:22:00.002-05:00

So um...since an early age, i was aware of my sexual needs. Of course until i understood it all, i didn't realize it was sexual in nature, only that between my legs throbbed alot and was wet alot and when touched or rubbed on something long enough, a sweet release would follow.

As i grew older and understood all the internal workings, the desires grew
and grew
and got more intense
and the need got greater
and i needed to touch and be touched
and i wanted to be used and fucked
and i wanted to cum and orgasm constantly

and then i hit my 20's nd the desires grew
and then 30 and i thought, surely things will start to die down. i mean i'm a grown woman..surely, surely i'll stop thinking and feeling like an 18 yr old boy.

um..yeah, so when exactly does that happen?

Thinking about submission

2008-02-25T22:00:00.002-05:00

Englishman and M:e brought up some good things for me to think about - and i as always, appreciate Both of Their input.

For me, being a submissive is different from being submissive. i'm still thinking through it all but, again for me,
being a submissive is: seeing the need to be dominated, usually in sex or in scenes - learning positions and how to serve for that session or for that set time. It's like a dress or a hat that one puts on and takes off according to the current need. It was my beginning - learning more, realizing my own needs and desires.

Being submissive, for me, is a lifestyle. It's the grid by which i pass through every action and tons of thoughts. There is a popular saying that lots of people use to help them in daily decisions...i don't want to spell it out here but it's on bracelets and on t-shirts and it asks the question what would someone do....in that same attitude, i conduct my life. It is a lifestyle choice, not so much a hat or dress or pair of shoes that i put on, but it is like my second skin. For instance, when i was training with the Master and His slave, He taught me to walk quietly, softly, lightly - it is pleasing to the Master that His one not be clomping around - it takes concentration and makes for a quieter household. Even though He and His slave are no longer in my life, i constantly think about that instruction when i walk..remembering His words, His instruction (and the delicious humiliation in having to walk to and fro before Him and His slave, stark naked...).

i'm not sure i did this subject justice and perhaps i need more time to hash it out.

i dream of...

2008-02-24T01:28:00.002-05:00

the pony. That harsh piece of torture that is so delicious and sweet. i long for the first 20 min of agony and fighting against the pain, when my legs cramp up and shake and my cunt feels the brunt of the bar pressing against it most cruelly. i dream of it -i long for it.

No, i mean really dream of it - not just in my sleep byt my waking hours as well.

The fight, the pain and then the sweet release of surrender

oh oh oh

::pant, pant::

i think i'm back

2008-02-22T16:00:00.003-05:00

i'm still here - life is still going on and yet i find that nothing has changed, except my desire to be more and more submissive. That has deepened.

The desires have changed to a level i've never known. The need is greater, the lust, the passion stronger than ever.

i didn't think it would be this way - i supposed that without a Leader, i would be more quiet and perhaps persue other things, but honestly, just the opposite has happened.

Amazing, the lifestyle of submission...stunningly amazing.

Goodbye 2007. Hellooo 2008

2007-12-29T16:09:00.000-05:00

As the year draws to an end, i've decided to put this blog on a hiatus of sorts. i'm not yet ready to completely end it - yet find i have nothing to say. There is nothing D/s, sex, dating, love or anything remotely interesting going on in my life right now - not even vanilla...only work. And who wants to hear about that? Certainly not me!

So...we - the blog and i - will rest for a bit. This quiet time in my life is not easy for me to bear, i assure you (i'm desperately lonely these days), but i hope to come out of it a better woman in all ways.

Please stay in touch - thisgirlsmail at aol dot com is where i eagerly (and hungrily) await any and all emails.

Thank you for everything.

with love
this girl

Telltale Signs

2007-12-22T11:20:00.000-05:00

He kissed her deeply, pushing his knee between her thighs with not just a little force. she moaned into his mouth and returned his kisses with passion. her body felt on fire, deep need somewhere inside of her growing and spreading - she wanted to force him to touch her.

No force was necessary as he slowly removed her clothing, one piece at a time. she felt no embarrassment, even though it was the first time he would see her completely naked and she couldn't wait to be without clothing - would make her more available.

He laid her down, put her hands above her head, told her not to move them and began kissing, licking, tasting and touching every inch of her body. At one point, he rolled her to to stomach and began the same inspection, if you will, of her back. she whimpered a protest when he spread her bottom and his only response was to swat her. That did nothing to help the madness of it all and she pushed back against his hands for another.

"STAY STILL" he commanded

It was so hard to do so-his hands felt like fire upon her skin. He, being fully clothed, was in no hurry and that made it 'worse'

Finally, he had her on her back, he was on her left side and once again began to touch and kiss his way all over her body. He draped himself over her stomach with his back towards her and began to pull the lips of her cunt wide, touching and inspecting that very private and at the time, very wet part of her. Light flicks over her clitoris as well as a smack or two against her cunt made her bring her arms down - she needed to touch him back, needed to feel him.

His reaction was to harshly pull her arms back over her head, threatening to tie her up if she didn't behave. He kissed her roughly over and over while beginning to grind himself into her.

He pulled away and laughed at her need. His eyes, dark with desire and lust, met hers - which were begging that she be taken and used for His pleasure.

He refused.

He then began his torture - that slow agonising torture of sweet pleasure until she was screaming his name and rutting herself against his hand.

she was 20 yrs old and a virgin. He was 37 yrs old and married with four children.
He never fully took her but taught her all about pleasure and all about how she was to serve his body.

she didn't call herself a submissive then, but looking back, she (who is this girl) realizes that there were some definite telltale signs of the slut that was deep within her.

It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas

2007-12-20T21:08:00.000-05:00

My! but i love this time of year.

Tie me up and put me under the Christmas tree! i dare You!

LOL!

Wow

2007-12-16T02:10:00.001-05:00

i had such a good time tonight!!!

Winter, Part II

2007-12-08T13:24:00.000-05:00

M:e commented that many people find this time of the year hard and i think she' completely correct. i've never dreaded winter before- and am truly trying to fight the 'down' feelings. i love the holiday season and have been enjoying it more this year than last - music, cards, presents, decorating..some things to distract my mind! i've also decided two things that will impact my life in a greater way.

1. Every time i buy a new pair of shoes, the shoebox they come in must be used for the next Christmas time. These boxes will then be sent with the international organization that will deliver them to children all over the world. This is a non-negotiable contract with myself. i'm actually excited about this and already have four old boxes saved and some little things bought.

2. i am going to stop complaining all.the.time. i'm getting sick of myself whining! Can Y/you see how desperately this girl needs a good sound spanking? Help! Aren't there some disciplinarians around somewhere? Someone who might be willing to listen to all this girls offenses and petty problems and then spank me soundly - putting to right all that seems out of whack! Hmm....might have to seriously look into that.

3. Research and reading about the lifestyle hasn't gone as well as i had hoped because of some computer problems - which hopefully are resolved for the time being. i'm looking forward to moving ahead in that area.

Small steps. But steps at the very least.

Winter

2007-12-08T01:47:00.001-05:00

Winter is upon us and i dread it. Last winter wasn't a good one - though no one really knew that - and i fear this one. Last winter my Sir's love and instructions kept me going - kept me focused and feeling loved. i am so grateful for that - because it made a difference.

This winter, things are a bit different and i am trying, still, to find my way. i think i'll get there but have low moments (like tonight).

i need a good spanking followed by some tender touches and a warm embrace.

email

2007-12-03T22:29:00.000-05:00

for anonymous and others who might want the title of the book
feel free to email

thisgirlsmail at aol dot com.

thanks

They're everywhere

2007-12-02T19:11:00.000-05:00

Last night i was given the privledge of waiting on two women who were accompanied by their Men and i am quite certain that they were both submissive and i'm also quite certain that they knew i was too.

One came in early in the evening and the other as the store was about to close. It was a delightful thing and i'm very glad that i was able to help.

Joy in Surrender

2007-11-18T00:56:00.000-05:00

There is a book about Female Submission that i've read which i found completely helpful and enlightening. i won't give the title here but will do so in a private email should anyone wish to know it.

i've not read it in a few years and i think it'll be one that i am going to read and review....but from what i remember, the author embraces the idea that there is not only submission as one's duty and honor but how to bring about real joy in surrendering to your Other.

i need to read it again so that i can see if my rememberance is correct....

A Decision of Sorts

2007-11-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

i have made a decision, somewhat...kinda..i think.

i am going to try to use this quiet time in my life to further my knowledge and understanding and to learn more about myself as a submissive. i'm going to read whatever i can - good or bad- and digest it. i'm not talking about blogs, per se - though i enjoy my fair share of those - but honest to goodness writings. Writings from more experienced subs or switches or Doms or Masters - whatever it takes. i'm going to take the time to grow in knowledge...

i think it will keep me in the lifestyle as much as i can be at present, without going stale.

And of course, i'm going to keep up with high heels (i have a pair of red pumps - SO pretty - ready to buy - on sale! YAY!!!) and lace (need a new black bra/panty set).

Anyone wanna go shopping with this girl?

What is best?

2007-11-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

i wish i had something current to say - or something to report for years later that i could look back on and see growth in myself in my submission. But sadly or oddly, i'm in a very stagnant, quiet time in life. i keep telling myself to just take it a day at a time and get through each one and to embrace this time..not fight it. But then there are times when i feel the 'this girl' in me just begging to be released - begging to be allowed to serve and love and be spanked and used and to grow and and...

And the odd thing is that i don't know which is best.

Such pretty things....

2007-11-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

In the quietness of this morning, when i unexpectedly found myself with a few minutes of unhurried pleasure, i was reorganizing my lingerie drawers. Each piece was touched softly and the colors and textres of each made my lips curl up in a soft smile. i was thinking of what a friend and co-worker said..."you're such a girlie girl" but not in disdain, the words were uttered in glee and enjoyment.

Most times it is so much fun being a girl!

i tied myself up

2007-11-07T22:10:00.001-05:00

..the other day just because i miss the feel of anything remotely D/s...

it was a sloppy job but even so, it felt so good.

i need that on a regular basis, i think...to be bound in rope -secure, yet so open, so naked...totally bound, yet free...

Answer the door...

2007-11-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

Picture this, if You will:

Man comes to the door. Rings the bell. He expects to be greeted by his friend, but what he didn't expect to see was a naked woman, kneeling at the door, bound in a way that she can shuffle accross the floor and even crawl. He cannot imagine how she opened the door.

she looks up at him and with a sweet smile says,

"Good morning, Sir. i regret to inform you that the Master of the House is busy with a kneeling, naked, bound and needy slave. You will have to call another time. Thank you and good day!"

And with that she closes the door.

He stands there for a moment, a bit stunned, wondering if he went to the correct house.

After a few confused moments on the front stoop, he hears his friend's voice, answered by the crack of a belt and a slut's pitiful cry. However, her cries don't seem as if she's in pain, rather deep pleasure.

He scratches his head in puzzlement and leaves the place.

Poor chap! Who knows, though, maybe next time he'll be invited in and have the pleasure of watching or even being served by the woman.

Never can tell what will happen when you ring someone's door bell.

Rainy Saturday

2007-10-27T10:42:00.000-04:00

You know, the more i think about it (the whole caressing/touching, etc) the more i realize that i truly do. not. know. oh bother! When Sir was with me, my entire body was on fire with each touch - mainly because He has a gooooood touch but also because it had been so long since i had been touched that anywhere/everywhere He touched was amazing.

On a completely different note: it is a rainy but oddly warm day here in SouthEastern PA - but i still have candles lit everywhere because it's terribly grey outdoors and rather gloomy in. i am going to put on some very nice music and drink this cup of coffee (though i bought new creamer and not sure i care for it at all) and clean this old house!

Then, after all of that is finished, i am going to pamper this girl with a bubble bath and very, very sexy lingerie and end my day propped up in bed reading. i love rainy days - for various reasons, but one is that it forces me to take a step back and just relax...and sometimes that enables me to be a better submissive = because i'm not tense and stressed and...

OH! and...i do have to go put on hold two pair of shoes (not prada...pout!) thati found on sale. But i'd better do that before i dress in nothing but my high heels and lace...

::naughty grin:::

Umm...i dunno know

2007-10-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

i'ver read in a number of blogs and journals that people are telling and asking where one's erogenous zone(s) is/are.

and um...i completely don't know.
i think they're asking what part of your body other than the genitals and breasts when touched the 'right' way makes you turn into a puddle.

i can honestly say, i don't remember. Good grief, that's pathetic! Why can't i remember?

i do remember one time i was kissing a guy (years and year ago) and he rubbed his thumbs gently around in circles over my shirt and bra - right around my nipples and i DO remember that it almost made me scream in sheer pleasure. But other than that, i honestly cannot think of a place..

maybe i don't have a place???

Maybe i need to ask Sir - maybe He remembers.

Yikes!

i need to be caressed! STAT!

::grin::

Soooo pretty

2007-10-24T23:15:00.000-04:00

Anyone have $3500.00 to spare (roughly 1700 British pounds)?

well, see, i saw two pairs of Prada shoes and a matching bag...

(side note; the good mood and uplifted spirit continues. Y/you cannot truly know what a relief that is...!!!)

The Beginning of Something New?

2007-10-21T20:22:00.000-04:00

i have had a very, very good weekend. It's been fun. It's also been relaxing. i've been with people and i've been alone. i've worked and played and also slept. No arguments with anyone but a very good and deep talk with a family member. It has been very, very good.

i hope, truly, that this is the beginning of something new and good. This uplifted spirit, the 'old' me...i feel as though i've been wondering in darkness and sadness and somehow, this weekend, none of that old stuff seemed to matter. It probably helps that this is my favorite time of the year and that the weather, though too warm for late October, has been just favorable.

i know that grief and dark times come upon you as waves but thankfully, this weekend, the tide was WAY out and it was a very good weekend.

YAY!

To celebrate, i'm going to wear my new panty and bra set - a deep rose color and lacey...and some stay up thigh high stockings too. mmmmm lovely, no?

Sometimes...

2007-10-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

...when i wait on customers, i try to see if there are any dominant tendancies in the Men. i wish there was a universal 'sign' or word that one could use that would allow for quiet interaction between strangers.

Picture this:
As i'm ringing up the Man's items, i say the universal word...He notices and replies.

With a smile on my face and down cast eyes, i nod in acknowledgment.

i take time and double care with His things and place His change carefully, professionally into His hand....

He replies "Well done, girl"

i sigh in bliss.

Could it happen? i keep waiting and hoping it will.
Silly? Perhaps but one can never know....

Just wanted to say:

2007-10-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU.

Thank Y/you for caring and helping.

Y/you are loved and Y/you are special.

this girl

Reflect

2007-10-13T09:04:00.000-04:00

This blog is almost three years old. And today i read some of the back posts...from one year ago. It was about this time that i had my first session with the Dom and His slave that Sir had set up for me. i read the words and remembered their time here. i also read some of the other posts and it's interesting to see that i was more centered, more sure and alot happier than i am now.

The funny thing is, i'm not sure what changed - other than the BIG THING - to make me less content and happy. Did life really beat me down that far? i liked the girl from the posts a year ago. i'm not so fond of her now - though i know her heart is good and she is a good person - she is so 'lost' these days...

i'm not even sure how to 'fix' it..what to do..what attitudes to change...what steps to take. A year ago, i had the Dom's slave to contact to discuss things - to have someone in person and in the flesh to laugh and cry with but even that is gone now.

It's puzzling, a bit confusing and and..and...i just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?