Where has the time gone

i realized that five years ago, i started this blog. Sometimes i go back and read what i have posted and it amazes me how far away from my true desires life has taken me. Where i am today is not anywhere close to where i thought i would be, but alas, sometimes life does not go the way one wishes and we must adapt.

Yesterday i almost put on my cuffs...the black leather is so soft and i well remember how the lock clicks when one walks or crawls. Such is the stuff of loveliness. But i could only caress them and smell their wonderful leather smell before putting them back....and later on i dreamed of them.

It is those kinds of things that i think i miss the most. The little things. The big scenes are wonderful, dont get me wrong, but the little things...the perfect outfit, the cuffs...sitting on the slave mat, the commands, etc etc...those i miss.

But life has not granted me this right now and i must adapt.

i am sure, however, that one day He will find me.

Just between you and me

i don't mean to be crass, but i am starving for some sexual action.

Just saying.

i miss it

i cannot recall the last time i was able to be submissive for Someone. my life has changed so much and this part has again been put on the back shelf. i don't even know how i feel about this - it was such a relief to finally admit and realize that being a sub really was who i am...but to then have to put that part of me away for a bit has been discouraging, to say the least. i guess i should clarify a bit....that part of me will never truly be 'put away' - just i am unable to openly practice, scene, etc that part of me.However, i will never forget all i've learned and the great times i had being able to express this part of me and i long for a time when that can all be true again. i think it will be...just now is a time of desert and quiet and i WILL learn in all things to be content.

Life is precious, life is good

There are some very real and exciting changes coming my way - i'm so.so.so excited.

More later

YAY!

Odd, isn't it?

...that when you think something is going to go one way - life goes another. So i'm still computerless and i have to tell you something: i kind of enjoy it. It's making me quieter in many ways, it's making me examine what is good in my life and what really needs to be pruned out. It's helping me to verify who i am - the quietness of life...the extreme busyness of summer.

i'm in a good place, mentally and spiritually and almost physically. There is still no Captain of my 'ship' but that will come - i am sure - when it's supposed to .

Life is good. i am happy. i am still as submissive as i was years ago - probably more so because i was able to put my submissiveness into action and now i am not - makes you treasure it. i still wear skirts and heels and love being a girl...i've lightened my hair - i've toned my body a bit - i'm very tan...not from laying in the sun but work and swimming. i've invested in some younger girls' lives, i've spent gads of time with my family, i'm reading impossibly large books and loving it.

this girl...this submissive girl is quite ok.

Where does the time go?

It's been forever since i've been able to blog with freedom or visit others blog - which i miss so much. Life isn't horrid at present....it's rather good. i'm not working as much and that, in itself, gives me more time to just enjoy life - to invest in others lives and to play..have fun...breathe a bit.

And no...no Master/Sir/Owner yet - but i haven't been looking so there is no complaining in that, now is there?

i'm rather happy for the simple things at present: a job, a house, food, clothing, good health, a car that runs, family, friends and loved ones. Not in any order..just a small list of things that i hold dear to me. i have lots of love and service to give and i do look forward to the day when i can kneel for Someone again, but in the meantime, i have to keep living and investing in my own life..to keep growing as a person - trying new things, meeting new people, losing this blasted weight, cutting my hair (or not!). Summer is such a wonderful time and the winter is a distant memory - good thing too because it was a hard one for me - i thought it would never end.

All this rambling to say, i'm still here. i'm still this girl. i'm still happy and healthy and when the time is right, i'll go looking fer a Man!

i'm alive and well

Just without constant computer at hand. That should be changing soon...at least i hope.

Some things haven't changed - still no Master to lead and guide but i am, as always, hopeful that Someone will come along in the near future.

Are you kidding me with this?

So apparently for the last oh..month or so, my libido..you know, my constant throbbing companion? yeah, well it's been AWOL and that is really, really odd.

nothing...nada...nope...not even a glimmer of lust, need, want or desire. Seeing the common Man doesn't make me wonder what they are like in bed, nor how their hands would feel on my skin.

i think it's broken.

i hope it comes back soon. It feels so odd to be 'off'

Sweet Surrender

Some time ago, M:e posted on her blog a post on surrender and while i'm not going to steal her ideas or thoughts- it did make me pause for a bit to think about surrender.

i find that i love the struggle to surrender. It's kind of a funny thing - i KNOW i'm not going to 'win' and i know that surrendering to Him is truly what i long for, but i fight it. i struggle against it as if it were a rope surrounding my heart and soul. i hem and hawl about giving in...i fight it all in my mind and try to rationalize why not surrendering is best.

And then, finally, giving in...such sweet release, such intense pleasure of the mind,such a peace fills my heart.

i'm not sure why the struggle and why i hold on to the struggle for as long as i do, but i sure do know the flood of peace and serenity that comes when i surrender. surrender my will to His, my actions to His, my obedience to His rules and commands.

And this is something that for the next Man in my life, should there ever be one (one can hope!), will be even more intense for me.

i honestly can't wait.

So much to say, so little time

i have about four posts that i'm working on: one about surrender, one about lingerie, one about Men in general and one that is just plain old need.

But as these winter days are so cold and the room where the computer is has no heat, i find that i'm willing to spend about 10 min tops on the computer! lol

So hopefully this week,as the temps rise into the 30's, i'll be able to slug out some posts and do some much needed blog reading and general knocking about!

Hey ho!

Life is crazy, life is good

Well mostly good - i have nothing, at present, about which to complain. That in itself is fantastic, is it not?

In these days of non-use and not being owned, i'm finding more about myself than i realized. i have really stepped back from everything, almost becoming a loner - and that it was so easy to do is kinda creepy - finding out just who thisgirl is and what makes her tick. Oh, i've known for years who my true inner woman was and i'm really glad to say that i do like me, but in these months of being just..um..alone, i realize who i am more deeply.

i must confess that at times, the loneliness gets to be too much- i mean i really don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Today, i had a conversation with my family and i mentioned that should i ever marry (again), i would not wish to argue and have drama because i realize how intensely precious it is to be with someone who loves you and wants you. A family member kinda mocked me in this, saying that of course W/we would argue and i was silly to think otherwise. Ok, i'll agree, in part. What i was trying to get accross to them is that when you don't have something - it becomes infinitely more dear to you than those who do and while arguing and such is part of life, the manner or method of the argument, for me, would be completely different now than it was when i was younger.

And then in a completely different manner of subject. i need sex. i need hot, passionate, take me down and use me hard kind of sex. The kind that leaves me sore and all flushed and pink all over and panting hard.

And there is NO arguing about that!!

Again with the crazy libido

So i'm at the point in whatever stage of life this is that with almost every Man i see, i wonder what He's like in bed. AND i wonder how His hands would feel on my skin. That is SO high school, isn't it? i mean honestly! i'm a grown woman who should be in control of her own sex drive a bit, not drooling at every Man she sees....well, almost every Man that is.

And do Y/you think that Someone could tell my delicate pink bits that in order to stay dry FOR ONCE everything must just cool off and relax and stop thinking about sex and being used and how it feels and the amazing feel of a Man deep within...

(yeah, that's helping :rolls eyes:)

Some time off

Because my primary job has a decent benefit package and they are kind-hearted as well, i get a paid week between Christmas and New Year's. Around Sept of this year i was already looking forward to the time off and now that it's hear - i can say it's delicious! i still will work my secondary job but that will only be two nights this week. How lovely is that?


So i've determinded to get a few things accomplished around this house that have been let go - one of which is cleaning and oh!this place seems to me that it's in shambles (it's not really - it's just that i have very, very high standards when it comes to the cleaniness and tidyness of my home) i'm actually looking forward to the work -it's nice to give the brain a small break and allow the body to take over in comforting and very natural type chores.

i also have a lot of reading planned and am very excited about that and have tomorrow pegged as laundry and movie day, and once i'm home from the laundry i plan to stay put watching many movies and just being still.

And last, but certainly not least, i will be going over every command i know (kneeling, all fours, etc) and practicing them over and over - hoping to keep 'in shape'


This has certainly been the best Christmas Ever!

His pleasure and panties

Mr. Egghead mentioned in a comment to a previous post that He hoped that were i serving Someone, His pleasure would be my consideration instead of my own - i believe i was lamenting about my raging libdio(which is still flying strong and..um..welll more on that another time::blush:;). To be honest, i truly agreed with the comment and find that when i'm with Someone, that IS my goal and my own pleasure really does come second or not at all - depends on the Person, mood etc. Don't get me wrong: sexual pleasure is amazing and were i on total restriction, i think i'd lose my mind; however, for whatever reason, HIS pleasure is so much more fulfilling and amazing to me. For instance, when i was married, i didn't orgasm with my ex at first...maybe the second or third time (in one um...'session') but it took quite a while for me to be able to orgasm with him(which, by the way, is the most powerful thing i've ever felt!). And sometimes, depending on our schedules or moods or ability - once was it....and i hadn't orgasmed at all. And honestly, and i mearn really and truly honestly, it didn't matter to me. The fact that he had, and was satisfied and was happy made me so fulfilled and happy. i kid you not. So though i have to care for things myself at present, when i am once again with Somone, i will be more than thrilled to see that His pleasure is reached before mine and is more important.

And the other thing is that i rarely wear panties. i was forbidden to do so with T and continue that practice to now, but sometimes i feel a little rebellious and think that i want to wear a matching set to look pretty (and it does look so pretty) and i love the way it feels and that lasts for about three days until i'm finally about to rip them off cause i can't stand feeling so restricted any more! LOL so much for matching sets! but all that to say that i know that those who don't understand nor practice this lifestyle don't understand or appreciate, for the most part, how being told i was not allowed to wear panties, because all of my holes needed to be available at any given time and working through that very awkward feeling at first is now so much a part of me. To tell me that i can't wear them, no matter what else i'm wearing and no matter the temperature outside and i really won't fight you...but force me to wear them...and you'll have a nice sweet slave for about three days until whiney girl comes along telling you have uncomfortable they are and can't i pllllleeasssssseeee take them offfffff????!!!!????

Isn't life interesting?

Life is Precious, Life is Sweet

Incredibly, in the not so good way, this Christmas season has seen three people that meant something to me pass away. One was an Uncle, one was a former Pastor's wife and one was a slave. It's made me stop a bit and take stock of life and maybe how much more sweet i should view it -not that i'm ho-hum about the whole living bit but....

So in looking back this year, i've taken personal stock of all the people who have invested into my life - no matter how great or small and realized how blessed i truly am. Even in the darkest of times, not so long ago, there were those who loved and cared for me and that was a gift of great proportions.

This year, i want to invest in others lives just as much. i want to remember, no matter what, that life IS precious and sweet and that i am priviledged to have lived, thus far, a really fantastic life.

So

MERRY CHRISTMAS

to one and all.

Thank Y/you for being part of my life.

Enjoy the holidays!!!!

The less stress...

...the higer my libido goes. Do you think anyone's has exploded from sexual need and tension?

i thought this thing was supposed to cool down as i got older, not get more..um...urgent. And believe me, it was never very low to begin with.

What's a girl to do???

Sometimes...it's just for me

i was with some friends the other evening and bought five pieces of lingerie. These were not exspensive pieces but they were very pretty, three of them being baby doll with matching panties, one in pink, one in black and one in red. Very pretty, very sexy.

One of the girls asked me who i was buying the stuff for...and i replied for me.

She then proceeded to inform everyone that i must be holding out on them and must have a Man and that's why i was buying the lingerie.

Now truth be told, if indeed a Man was in my house/bed/life, i would indeed make sure that i had plenty of lingerie if He liked it, but truth also be told, i was buying those pieces purely for me.

because sometimes, when the quietness gets a little too much to bear, i enjoy a bubble bath, lotion from head to toe and slip on something lacey and sexy. It makes me feel very feminine and pretty. i typically end up kneeling at some point - in that lingerie, reminding me always that even though i am wearing all that lovley lace and satin to make me feel nice, ultimately i would love to have a Man rip that stuff right off of me! (mmm....can you say fantasy???)

but sometimes, it's nice to be nice to yourself, no matter your position in life and love.

Now please excuse me, i have a bath to take and some lace to slip on...which colour should i pick?

Roles

i had a very interesting conversation with a recently married friend of mine about roles in relationships, especially in a marriage. i see, in her, a desire for the 'traditional' role of a wife but yet has to work outside of the home. Talking with me, who truly hates working outside of the home (but tries to make the best of it and be a good employee nonetheless) she is exploring some of her feelings on this topic. The whole stay home, cook, clean, garden, ect idea appeals to her a bit yet she feels it's very 'country' and 'backwards'. she does not yet see how free she'd be as a woman...yet she kinda feels this little tug to try it.

One thing i hear from women all the time is "what would i do all day?" and i think...are you kidding me? First of all you could get SO MUCH done and yet have tons of time to continue education or hobbies, or whatever else you've dreamed of doing. i read a number of blogs - some lifestyle and some vanilla and i notice i lean a bit towards those women who stay at home and i am learning so much from them, even though that is the ideal for me and at present, not the norm.

So it's been an interesting time chatting with her trying to help her as she and her Husband figure out their roles, figure out how they want their house and life to run. She definitely wants him to be the Man - to make the final decisions, to assume the leadership role...even as she knows that she, herself, is a good leader. It's kinda fun to witness this up close and personal and to be a help where i can.

It's in times like these where i'm kinda glad that i've already determined and lived out some of my submission - because i've already struggled and studied and thought about the kind of woman i am. Of course, this is an on-going thing and i have by no means 'arrived' - but this journey is a good one - and i'm still learning.

When things were so bleak not so long ago - i had a very intense conversation with God. One of those kinds where the weeping is uncontrollable and sometimes you can't say anything but know He knows the heart and what you're trying to say. In that conversation - i somehow managed to squeak out..."God, i want to journey well. i want to live my life all out. i don't want this depression or hardship all the time, though i know that also molds me and rubs off rough edges...but i want to journey well."

After admitting that - that my life wasn't being lived as i knew it could be-a sense of peace flooded my soul. It was as if admitting that freed me to begin to live well...to jouney well.

And so i continue to learn, to live and love. i recently told M:e that i want to continue learning, living and growing as a submissive woman so that when Someone who would claim me and allow me to claim Him would come along, He would find a willing woman who wasn't stagnant and bitter, but alive and blooming...

i have this confession to make

Tonight as i was surrounded by family and friends, celebrating a wonderful Thanksgiving time, all of a sudden i got a craving for a Man to be shoving Himself in my mouth...and my mouth started to water thinking about how He might taste.

Happy Thanksgiving to me!

Sometimes...it's all about the lace

and sometimes it's all about cuffs and ropes..or scarves.

i've not worn my cuffs in a very long time. For many reasons, putting them on reminded me of what i didn't have instead of who i am. And so i avoided them.

However, in recent days, i've started wearing them again during my kneeling time. The black leather surrounding my wrists and ankles, the small locks making noise as i move has become, as they should be, reminders of who i am.

In the stillness

Sometimes when things in life have you down and you are really struggling, it's a good time to really stop as much as you can and be still. being still helps to center you, helps you to find time to really think about things and even pray.

i've spent a good deal of my last couple of months being still. Kneeling in the quiet of my house, head down, palms up - just thinking, praying and trying to come out of the depth of that UGH place i was in.

One thing i realized...no, more than one but one thing that stood out to me is that i'm pretty sure that i like myself. i'm not perfect and i have some rough edges that need to be worn away (one tends to get those when you live alone) but the real inside me - she's really an ok gal.

And ya know - when things are tough, when life is throwing more curve balls than you can catch - liking yourself is a really good thing...in my opinion. Now this is not a puffed up I'm better than you kinda like, it' s just realizing who i am - who the girl is who chooses to kneel, naked, quiet, still. And that girl is a genuine one - she is not going to play games but neither is she going tso be played with (well...she IS but you know what i mean! LOL). she is kind(mostly), she is compassionate, she has a fire inside of her that's yet to be released. she has wishes and dreams that are not yet met but has hope that maybe some of them will be someday. she has so much love to give and when someone comes along who will allow her to love Him, she will do so with abandon. she is learning to hold those she loves loosely in the palm of her hand, not gripping the life out of them. she is learning to let go when they want to leave. she is girly -sometimes a very little girl on the inside and sometimes longs for a "Daddy" to care for her, she is also a fierce soul who needs a heavy hand with a gentle heart. she is definitely submissive. she is a woman. she loves to dress and act like a woman and loves it when Men act like Men.

And when things are really bleak, she is learning to lean heavily on God- giving Him the reins in her life, giving Him the glory when things go right and being very thankful that even though she is alone so much of the time, God is always near.

Life is a funny thing. If you would've asked me when i was 18 if i'd be a single, childless woman close to 40 and not exactly doing what i think i was created to do, i would've laughed at you and told you no way. but as i mature, i am seeing that i still have those wide-eyed dreams-they've just changed a bit now. -

alive and well

just having computer and internet problems.

Things are really looking up

Thank You so much for caring (Mr. Egghead and M:e especially).

i am desperate to be used and spanked but will have to wait....drat!

but things are really much, much better

i am thankful!

A glimmer of hope?

Is it possible, ohh please let it be that a glimmer of hope lies in the near future.

One thing that i did was finally tell someone about my 'whatever you want to call it'. That helped.

Things are still rough and i'm still scared but there is a glimmer.

i have also learned through this very trying and bleak time exactly what my beliefs are concerning God. If all else fails and everything crumbles and the bottom drops out, i am truly confident in my relationship with Him. That, alone, gives me peace and strength to keep plugging away at this thing called LIFE.

i'm not yet at the celebration point, but when/if i get there- you can be sure there will be plenty of lace and some very sexy heels (and maybe even a good old fashioned over Your knee spanking!) :grin:

Staying Alive

Still alive

i hate complaining - i hate it with a passion. i try to see good in everything - even very hard things

but this time, i just can't.

Things HAVE to get better...they just have to - and i will do everything i can to stay as positive as i can and hope that everything will work out and i can get back to victorious living clad in high heels and lace.

update:

feeling a bit 'brighter' now- nothing great happened except for a nap and some good homemade food, but it did help.

i'm going to make the best of tomorrow - even in the midst of potential bad news - and going to try to stay positive and remembering my blessings.

i don't know that i'll make it - but i'm giong to try. i also think i'm going to wear something very pretty also - that will help.

Blank

Oddly, i have nothing to say - nothing to share. i sat here for some time trying to think of what would be appropriate. i am in a low spot at present and have no one with whom i can share my fears and what's looming in my very near future, yet i don't want to spill it out here - cause i feel all i do is whine and complain, which i rather detest.

So, i'm blank.

i'm trying to think of something posititve...no i WLIL think of something positive...just give me a minute, please.
(long pause)

ok..i do have something. i recevied a decent performance appraisal from my full-time job the other day. my Boss didn't say anything shattering (either positive or negative) so i think all was well. He did thank me for what i do and how i do it..that's good, right? i was glad for it-i hate them with a passion and dread the meeting for weeks in advance. but it was really ok.

IF i were as i wished (homemaker) i believe the performance appraisal wouldn't just be ok but would be grand. It's where my heart is, it's what i know i was made to do and love and i hold on the hope that someday it might be a dream realized.

But for now, espeically in this 'blank' time, i will hold on to a nice appraisal and try to do my best where i am.

Have you noticed

Has anyone noticed that there is a new line of lingerie called the Marilyn Monroe collection? And in the collection is a bralette? Amazing stuff...so very pretty. Paired with a very pretty pair of high heels? mmmm...delish.

(in other news: that woman in the picture has a fantastic body! )

Rightly said

If women behave like ladies and dress like ladies then they will be treated like ladies.-Egghead

i couldn't agree more- and i'm seeing that in everyday situations. Most of the time i am in my own world when i'm out shopping or running errands and those around me are just part of the background. However, when i take the time to actually ACT like a lady- i notice my treatment is different.

i also agree with the two other commenters (thank you M:e and Sirtoher) as they both basically said that the way you were raised dictates the way you act-in many cases and that Men miss the 'old order' way of things as much as many women do.

i also think..well let me restate - i have also seen in other countries that younger Men/teenaged boys have better manners towards women than here in the States. i realize that is a blanket statement and one that might cause some debate but here me out....please.

Let's talk about...Vienna. There are notices that certain metro and bus seats are for the elderly, pregnant and mothers with young. i've seen boys ...a group of them..get up when a woman came on the metro and there was no place else to sit. she didn't fit into the aforementioned catagories.
Would that have happened in New York? Would the woman even expected it? hmm...not so sure.

i hold a very fine line in my mind between being able to 'do it myself'(been saying that since i was two yrs old...LOL) and allowing others to help...or even do it for me. The difference between me now and at two -besides cute perky breasts- is that i now ENJOY not doing it myself...maybe it's because i know i can..maybe it's because giving up the ability to Someone else is so very sweet or maybe it's because as i've matured, i've realized that the 'old order' of doing things - letting the Man be the Hero is really how things should be. i'm not sure i've expressed it best here but hopefully the essence of what i'm trying to say comes through.

But i like it!

Emerging from the bookstore the other day, i had the all-too-rare privledge of having the door held open for me by a Man who allowed me to go first. i had deferred to His wife, since she was older than i and He 'deferred' to me. It felt so wonderful, as if the order of things, as they should be, was in place and proper. Where the protectiveness of a Man was behind me, even though He was not in any way connect to me.

Typcially i am happy when the man or Man in front of me will at least hold the door a bit, so that it doesn't slam in my face. i can deal with that. But it's not my preference.

Not long ago, i tried an experiment. i was in the city. As i made to leave the store, a Man was coming in. i paused, on purpose. He paused, seemingly confused. i waited and smiled. Not condesendingly but nicely, warmly.

He opened the door, i started towards it, so did He. Finally this look came over His face, He stepped aside and said 'Sorry Ma'am' as i walked through. i said thank you in a very soft and submissive voice. And i was rewarded with a geniune smile.

Little things like that are things i like. Treat me kindly in public, let me be a woman, a very feminine woman. my submissive soul responds very strongly Of course i can open doors on my own power. i also can change a tire on my car. But that doesn't mean i HAVE to always do it.

Capable? You bet.

But i really like being treated like a lady.

not as strong as i thought

i broke.

The lacey pink bra was too much to resist.

i bought it.

i wore it recently

it was heaven.

While it's raining

i have this devilish thought to be tied to a tree, the raindrops covering my skin mixing with the sweat to produce a slick, gleaming slave.

He raises the belt again, bringing it down over my buttocks, over and over.

No one is there to hear the screams
No one is there to witness His lust and desire
Just the two of them.

Playing in the rain